Your Intuition
by MissDevon
Summary: In the aftermath of Vickie's heart transplant and Ben's death Clint finds out some bad news that leads him to reach out to one of his children who's having problems of her own.
1. Default Chapter

**_Your Intuition_**  
  
Chapter 1: Refrain of Regrets

_Follow your heart  
Your intuition  
It will lead you in the right direction  
Let go of your mind  
Your intuition  
Is easy to find  
Just follow your heart, baby_

___Intuition, Jewel_

  
  
"I'm sorry the news isn't better, Mr. Buchanan," the doctor said simply.  
  
Clint sighed at that as he looked down at his hands, trying to ignore the fact that they were blurred. "What are my options?" he asked in just as matter of fact tone of voice, all the while mentally questioning how a simple 'fender bender' could have such dire consequences.  
  
"Surgery to remove the fragment," the doctor informed.  
  
Raising his head, Clint frowned: "the doctors said that it was too risky to consider at the time. Has the technology really changed so much in 20 years?"  
  
"There are risks of course, but if you want to save your sight, it's our only course of action."  
  
"And the risks."  
  
"Probably aren't all that different from 20 years ago, although the odd of success have improved."  
  
"Somehow I doubt they've improved that much," Clint commented dryly.  
  
"Mr. Buchanan, you are aware that the fact that the fragment has shifted, even with the tissue growth near it can be a signal to other, more serious problems. If it shifts again. . ."  
  
"I could loose a lot more than just my sight," he deduced before adding, "How much time do I have?"  
  
"That depends. The fact that you haven't had problems other than the occasional headache is a good sign. However, your family history being what it is. . ." he trailed off.  
  
"Tell me this, Doc. My younger brother just died and my ex-wife just had a heart transplant, how do I tell my family that I need brain surgery that can have lasting after effects."  
  
"I'm sorry; I can't answer that for you."

* * *

"I'm sorry; I can't answer that for you."  
  
"Well, that's helpful!" Natalie sighed as she glared at her sister.  
  
"What do you want me to say, Nat?" Jessica asked.  
  
"Well, that's something I can't answer!" she retorted angrily.  
  
"Why are you trying to make me choose sides?"  
  
"I'm not. Besides, you already have!"  
  
"You're overreacting," Jess accused in a condescendingly calm tone.  
  
"Oh? Am I?"  
  
"Everyone told you that Paul was bad news."  
  
"You mean John did."  
  
"Well. . ."  
  
"So, what? You think I got what I deserved? You think it was ok for Kevin to lie and protect Kelly?"  
  
"She is his wife."  
  
"And I'm his sister, but I guess that doesn't count."  
  
"You know that's not what I meant."  
  
"Well, you sure as hell implied it, not that you had to," Natalie sulked as she plopped onto her bed at Llanfair.  
  
Jessica rolled her eyes at her twin, "when are you going to let it go? You're a member of this family."  
  
"When it's convenient."  
  
"Natalie. . ."  
  
"Don't Jess. I'm not Jamie, so stop talking to me like I were."  
  
"I didn't think I was."  
  
"You never do," Natalie sighed as she looked out the window.  
  
"That still doesn't negate that you are a member of this family."  
  
"Really? Because half the time it sure as hell doesn't feel that way, especially when it comes to you and Kevin."  
  
"What's that supposed to mean?"  
  
"Well, let's see. Mom's sick and I certainly didn't have a fiancé or future step-daughter to inconvenience or a business to launch, but no, don't stay with mom. After all, I don't know her enough to know if she's playing me."  
  
"First off it wasn't like that, secondly, you said you understood and it didn't bother you."  
  
"G-d, you are naive! Tell me, what else should I have said? 'I know you don't trust me and it will cause tension amongst us, but I'm staying with Mom?'"  
  
"Natalie, it's not that we don't trust you, but you've made some really stupid moves. Blackmailing Todd and Kelly. Dating Paul. Marrying Mitch. Getting. . ." Jess stopped abruptly.  
  
"Getting Chris Killed? Isn't that what you were going to say?" Natalie demanded as she got to her feet.  
  
"I. . ." Jess started as she backed away from her sister.  
  
"What? Afraid? Think I might throw you out a window the way you accused me of doing to Ben? Yeah, I've made mistakes. I'm not perfect like you and I'm sorry that I ruined your place as only daughter, but I am not going to let you walk all over me. I'm not going to pretend anymore! I'm not the only one in the wrong!"  
  
"Really? What have we done but take you in?" Jess demanded as her back hit the wall. "Forgiven al the trouble you caused? How much more are we supposed to turn a blind eye to? You weren't even at the hospital half the time, how could we think you'd be at the house? How could we ask you to look after Mom?"  
  
"I wasn't at the hospital because no one told me how bad it was! Because you and Kevin had to be in control!"  
  
"I called you!"  
  
"Once! One g-ddamned time! Tell me Jess, if it were the other way around how would you have felt? Oh, wait, it wouldn't have been because I would've called more than ONCE!"  
  
"You don't know what I was going through!"  
  
"And you have no idea what I was. You talk about me not being there but you won't take any of the responsibility or see that some belongs to Kevin. If he hadn't 've lied I wouldn't have had to go and try to clear my name!"  
  
"Well if you weren't so irresponsible as to date Paul. . ."  
  
"Well at least I wasn't so irresponsible as to get knocked up when I was in High School!"  
  
"How dare you! Get out!"  
  
"No. It's my room, YOU get out!"  
  
Breathing heavily and fighting back tears, Jess yanked the door open, "you'll regret this. You want a war, you have one. You're right; you aren't a member of this family. And the truth is you never really will be. You're nothing but trash," she said coldly.  
  
"Yeah, well, tell me something I don't already know," Natalie answered plainly as she stalked to the window and stared out of it, cringing as the door slammed shut. "Now what?"

* * *

"Now what?" Cord asked as he sat in his father's study, trying to digest what Clint had just told him.  
  
"I'm not really sure," Clint admitted.  
  
Leaning forward in his chair, Cord took in the strain on Clint's face. "Have you told the family yet?" he asked, although he was pretty sure he already knew the answer.  
  
"No. And for the most part, I'm not going to."  
  
"Clint. . ."  
  
"Hear me out. Asa's still reeling from Ben's death and the kids from Vickie's transplant. I can't put them through this."  
  
"They deserve to know."  
  
"When the time's right," Clint sighed as he rose from the sofa. "Natalie's having a tough time of it. I think that I'll ask her to come."  
  
"Why not Jess or Kevin?"  
  
"Because I already know the things I need to where they're concerned."  
  
"I don't understand."  
  
"When I lost my sight before I was able to get through because I could picture you all. I know the looks you get when you're happy. The way your eyes change when you're excited. How you express annoyance at each other with a look. I've seen you find new things. Explore and learn. I can't say that about Natalie. When I talk to you, Kevin, or Joey and Jessie on the find I have a clear picture in my mind of what you're doing as we talk. Of what your faces look like. That picture maybe wrong, but I still have it. Natalie's a different story."  
  
"You can't picture her?"  
  
"I've only seem to know her fear and tears, and maybe a smile tinged with disbelief. I need to know more and I want her to have some memories should the worse happen."  
  
"You sound like you think it will."  
  
"No. I'm only preparing myself for the possibility. This family's been through too much for me to give up now."


	2. Chapter 2: Moving On

Chapter 2

Moving On

_Man I'm gonna get outta this town  
Man I'm gonna get outta this pain   
Man I'm gonna get outta this town  
Outta this town & out of L.A.  
It's all she loves It's all she hates It's all too much for her  
to take she can't be sure just where it ends or where   
the good life begins_

Song Credit: L.A. Song- Beth Hart

Staring out of the bedroom window and fighting back tears, Natalie tried to come to terms with what had transpired between Jessica and herself. She regretted some of what she had said to her sister, but she would never admit it. She was hurting and she was tired, but at least now she knew the truth. They didn't think that she belonged, nor did they want her to.

Shakily, she rose and looked around the room. As she did, she couldn't help but think that it wasn't really hers. Never had been. She was nothing more than an interloper. A visitor who needed to move on and out.

Crossing the room, she yanked open the closet and pulled out her duffle bag. Tossing it towards the bed, she started to pull out the items of clothing that she kept here, reminding herself that she didn't need them.

In fact, she didn't need anybody.

"I don't need anybody to fight my battles," Jess tearily told Kevin as she stepped away from him and towards the French doors of Lanfair's library.

"She's made you cry one too many times, Jessie," Kevin said stiffly, his arms crossed over his chest and fists clenched. "She should never have thrown that in your face."

Jess sighed as she turned to face him. "I said some pretty awful things to her too, Kev," she admitted as she pushed a piece of her hair behind her ear.

"Somehow I don't think the things you said were as hurtful," he reassured as he dropped his arms.

"I implied that I thought that she was responsible for Chris's death."

"You can't worry about her insecurities."  
  
"Even when I used them against her? Kevin, I told her that she wasn't a member of this family. That she never would be. That she was nothing but trash," Jess admitted, watching as her brother scratched his head and looked away uncomfortably as he shifted his weight. "You can't actually believe that, can you, Kevin?"

Sighing, Kevin shrugged as he dropped his hand. "I don't know. She barely lets anyone in. She treats you horribly. I guess I can't get past what she did to you when she first came to town. I mean. . . I look at Roxy and Rex and I can't help but think about how like them she is. How unlike us."

"And Kelly isn't like her family?"

"Where the hell did that come from?"

"The fight started over the fact that you lied for Kelly."

"Well, she is my wife."

"And as Natalie pointed out, she's your sister."

"Jess, I didn't know that she was involved until after I talked to the police and gave Kelly an alibi. I couldn't recant my story without putting myself into a whole lot of hot water."

"I know that. I also know you're probably covering up other things for Kelly. But, the truth is, if it had been me you would've recanted."

"Maybe," Kevin conceded. "But it wasn't, and I didn't, and she had no right to say what she did."

"And I did?"

"You were provoked. And I'm putting a stop to this. Mom doesn't need this right now."

"Kevin, stay out of it. It's over. Once she calms down, I'm sure that she'll apologize."

"And that's going to solve something?"

"It got things off our chests. Opened a dialogue. Besides, she had a point. Statistically if one of us should've gotten pregnant it was her."

"Jess, you shouldn't be the one to feel guilty."

"I don't, not exactly anyway. I just should've been the bigger person."

"You usually are."

"You were right, and if you say that you usually are, I'm going to have to drop you," Kathryn said from the doorway of the office.

Dropping his feet to the floor, McBaine smirked as he put the file he was reading onto the desk. "Why would I have to when you've already said it?" he asked.

"You're such a gentleman, you know that?" she retorted as she walked into the room with a roll of her eyes.

"I try. So, you finally tracked him down?"

"Yeah, thanks to Antonio Vega," she answered as she dropped into a chair. "And believe me, you don't want to know any more than he wants you to."

"I'll. . . um. . . call Natalie and let her know."

"All ready done, I'm sure. Vega said he had to bring something to what's her name--- Jessica?" she started, at John's nod she continued. "Anyway, he'd said he'd let her know. I would've done it myself, except that I wanted to give Kelly Buchanan and her husband a piece of my mind."

"You charging them?"

"Not enough evidence to. Considering their relationship to Natalie I'm sure that a good lawyer would argue that she took the car."

"You'd believe that?"

"Considering I've seen them interacting, no. But if I bring them in for that, I have to bring her in for aiding and abetting."

"He backed her into it."

"Maybe, and while I hate prosecuting for stupidity, I'd have to push both through. Personally, I would love to stick it to Flyboy and his Princess of a sister."

"Or Natalie?"

"Being played isn't an excuse to break the law, John. The case is too tainted to do anything with, and truth be told, even I know she didn't do it. Gotta admit he had a good racket going, getting her to do his bidding by saying he'd come out of hiding."

"She wanted to prove her innocence."

"And almost gets arrested for something else. Real smart."

"I didn't say it was."

"What do you see in her anyway?"

"I'm not entirely sure," John admitted. "But I hope that I get the time to figure it out."

"And Crammer in Protective Custody will give you that, won't it?"

"If you'll stay out of it, it might."

"I'm trying to be a good friend. Caitlin wouldn't want to see you with someone like her."

"And she'd prefer me with who? Someone like you?"

"Don't go there John."

"It's a place we've avoided for a long time."

"And one I don't plan to go too. You know that I had a thing for you a long time ago. I put those feelings aside because you and my sister were right for each other. I won't be second best to her ghost. I don't want to be, but I don't want to see you get hurt by a girl playing at being a grown up."

"Maybe I want to play for a while. Maybe, like her, I'm tired of being the responsible one. Maybe, just maybe, I want to cut loose for a change."

"And maybe none of the above," she challenged as the phone rang.

"We're not finished," John said as he reached for the phone. "Hello?"

"Hello?" Natalie sighed into her cell phone as she pushed her hair out of her face and sunk onto the bed.

"How's my girl doing?" Clint asked, hoping that his voice didn't give away any of his inner turmoil.

"I'm hanging in there," Natalie answered evasively. "How's London?"

"Wet and foggy."

"Well, it's sunny here."

Frowning slightly on the other end, Clint reached across his desk for a picture of Natalie, his frown growing as the image blurred before him. "You don't sound like. . ." he started, only to be stopped by the sound of muffled shouts. "Is everything OK there?"

Turning her head towards the closed door, Natalie bit her lip. "Umm. . . yeah. . . Can I. . ." she started to answer hesitantly.

"What is wrong with you!?!?!" Kevin demanded as he threw open the door and barged into the room.

"Kevin, I. . ."  
  
"No. That was rhetorical. How dare you say those things to Jessie!"

From the doorway, Jess shook her head, "Kevin, you're making this worse," she said as she saw panic flash in her sister's eyes, and not for the first time questioned just how abusive her childhood had been.

"Kevin, I'm on the phone," Natalie said softly, cringing back slightly as Kevin stalked across the room and pulled the cell from her hand. "Well, now you're not!" he responded as he hit end and threw the phone across the room.

"You're blowing this out of proportion," Jessica complained.

"I don't think so. She had you in tears," he answered as he turned to look at her.

"I was in the wrong too," Jess replied as the main phone line started to ring.

"She needs to apologize," Kevin stated as he turned to his other sister, an expression of expectation on his face.

Swallowing, Natalie stood, trying to hide her emotions behind a wall of toughness. "Funny, I think you're the one who needs to apologize," she said stiffly as she crossed her arms over her chest, hoping that Kevin would think it was out of defiance as oppose to a way for her to hold herself together.

"Excuse me?!?!?"

"You're the one who busted in here," she started as she swallowed and took an involuntary half step back. "You're the one who interrupted my phone call with. . ."

"I couldn't care less who you were talking to. You don't pull the kind of things you do in this. . ."

"Kevin," Jess called from the doorway.

"Family. . ."

"Kevin!!"

"What?" he demanded as he spun around.

"Dad's on the phone," Jess said uneasily, hoping her hand muffled the words of the argument.

"All right. Give me a sec."

"He wants to talk to Natalie," she corrected uneasily.

"What? Why does he want to talk to her?"  
  
"Gee, thanks. Do I need permission to receive calls now?" Natalie asked sarcastically as she held back tears.

"We'll talk about this later," Kevin warned.

"Yeah, because I really need to be ordered around by you," she answered as she walked pass him, the amount of space she left between them not lost on Jessica.

"We do need to talk," Jessica said softly.

"Whatever, Jess," Nat sighed tiredly as she reached out for the phone.

"We'll give you some privacy," Jess replied as she tilted her head towards the door. Annoyed, Kevin followed her, surprised at the care she took in closing the door and the look that was on her face.

"You can't still feel guilty," he said.

"I've had it so much better than her."

"Jessie. . ."

"Kevin, do you ever wonder. . . I mean. . ." she started and shook her head.

"Wonder what? This is more than guilt."

"There was fear in her eyes. . ."

"Yeah, because she was being called on her behavior," Kevin sighed.

"No. It's more than that. She cringed when you went and grabbed the phone. She left a lot of space between you two when she crossed to take the phone from me."

"You think she was afraid of me?" he asked. "Natalie's not afraid of anything."

"It could just be a learned reaction."

"Jess, what are you suggesting. . .?"

"Maybe neglect wasn't the only type of abuse she was on the receiving end of," she answered as she looked worriedly at the door. . .

She looked worriedly at the door as she brought the phone to her ear, "hello?"

"Sounds like it's not so sunny there after all," Clint said, hoping to lighten the mood.

Sinking to the floor, Natalie tried to hold back the tears threatening to fall, "I guess not."

The catch in her voice didn't get pass him, "Natalie, understand that I was going to make this request before this, all right?"

"Umm. . . what does that mean?"

"I want you to come to London for a while."

"Really? Why? I mean. . ."

"I'll explain when you get here."

"I. . . What about Mom. . . I mean, I know that she has Kevin and Jess, but I don't. . . "

"I know. And I wouldn't ask this, but. . . well, do you think that the three of you fighting about what ever you're fighting about is going to help her get better?"

"If this is about that, I'll. . . well, I was planning on going back to the cottage any way and I'll just avoid them."

"Like everything else?"

"I don't. . . I just. . ."

"Natalie, honey, I need you to come, OK? I was going to ask you before I over heard that little tiff. I really need you to come."

Natalie frowned as she realized that she was hearing something unusual in his voice: "why is it so important that I come? Is something wrong?"

"Like I said, I'll explain when you get here."

"Something is wrong."

"Yeah," Clint sighed. "It is."

"OK. . . umm. . . do you want me to talk to Kevin and Jess?"

"No."

"But. . ."

"I want you to come to London. I don't want you to worry about why or what I'm going to tell you. It's. . .well, it has to do with an old injury. Any way, I have my reasons for wanting you to be the one to come and not them. And I don't want to add to their worries. In fact I hate having to even ask you. You have all been through so much with your mom and with Ben. . ."

"So have you."

"Yeah. I guess," Clint downplayed. "I'll have one of the company planes on standby so you can leave whenever your ready. The pilot will call with an ETA. I'll have Cord meet you at the airfield."

"Oh."

"Is something wrong with that?"

"Just that. . . Clint, I'm not sure I'll be able to pick him out of the crowd..."

There was silence for a moment and then Clint answered: "he'll find you, OK?"

"OK. I'll. . . well, there's a couple of things I need to do before I can. . . I'll try to get them done tonight. . ."

"Take your time. It's not a matter of life and death," he reassured, hoping that he was right. "I'll see you soon."

"Yeah. Soon."

"And Natalie."

"Yes?"

"I love you," he said softly before disconnecting, his voice echoing in her head as she stared at the wall, tears streaming down her face, unsure of what was to come and wishing she knew why he was asking her to come. . .


	3. Chapter 3: Broken Glass

_Note: _I have decided to recast the character of Kevin for this story with Nolan North (Chris, PC)

_And I feel__  
__Oh I'd feel like broken glass__  
__When I fell to the ground__  
__I heard the sound of thunder__  
__Trailing off__  
__When I started coming 'round__  
__But I couldn't make you stop__  
__And you wouldn't let it go__  
__So everytime I got back up__  
__Like broken glass went tumbling down..._

Song credit: Cyndi Lauper, "Broken Glass"

Kevin entered his grandfather's house quietly and with a reeling head. Slowly, he crossed the foyer and went to the wetbar to pour himself a drink. Leaning against the top he tried to gather his thoughts.

Things had seemed so clear cut when Jessica had told him about her fight with Natalie. If something had happened it had to have been her fault. It wasn't right that Jessie should be made to cry. That her loss should be thrown up in her face. And even as Jess tried to convince him otherwise, he had had to confront her.

And even then it had been fine.

Only now, as Jessica's observations haunted him, did he start to question his reactions. He would have recanted Kelly's alibi if it had been Jess in trouble. He wouldn't have ignored the signs that there was more going on that what he was told. Hell, he would've seen to it that Jess wasn't involved with the likes of Paul Crammer.

So why didn't he do those things for Natalie?

Did he really not see her as his sister?

And what about the other?  
Was Jessica right?  
Had Natalie suffered from more than neglect as a child?

Was that why she did the things that she did now?

Confused, Kevin downed his drink before turning and moving towards the couch. As he sat, Kelly breezed sulkily into the room. "What now?" he asked as he took in her expression and leaned back on the couch, unbuttoning his jacket.

"They've arrested Paul," she answered.

"Yeah. I heard. Bet you're relieved that you didn't kill him," he snarked.

"That's not funny, Kevin."

"I didn't say it was," he shrugged.

"They're going to charge him with fraud and obstruction of justice."

"That's it? Guess he's getting off easy," he answered as she paced.

Stopping, she pivoted and glared at him: "he's not. . ."  
  
"Isn't he?" Kevin interrupted. "I'm surprised that he isn't being charge with extortion or worse."

"Well, Natalie should be sitting in the cell next to him then!"

"Really? Would that be the one you should've sitting in while Paul was missing?" Kevin shot back as he pushed to his feet.

"What? You think that I. . . I don't understand how you could say that," she cried as she collapsed on the edge of the couch. "You know it was an accident."

"Do I? Kelly, you've lied about so much lately, that I'm even starting to wonder if Ace is mine!"

Kelly's eyes widened at that as she gasped before burying her head in her hands: "how could you even suggest that?"

Sighing, he sat back down next to her: "I know you're hiding something from me, Kelly. I know Paul knows what it is, and frankly, the only thing that I can see you killing for is Ace," he admitted tiredly.

"It was an accident! Why won't you believe me?!?! And why do you have to put all the blame on Paul? You know that Natalie's not an angle. She could be lying about Paul to save herself!"

"I doubt it."

"Why are you acting like this?"

"Why are you?" Kevin asked in return.

"It's just not right."

"If you're thinking about helping Paul, think again. He's where he belongs."

"Like you wouldn't help Natalie?" Kelly shot back.

"If you remember I didn't. I stuck to the alibi I gave you. I stood by you and left my sister to the wolves. Now, you can stand by me and leave your brother to the wolves," Kevin answered before leaving the room.

Staring after him, Kelly fought the urge to scream as she picked up a pillow and threw it towards the door. "You had to go and pick now to care about your sister? Damnit, I can't not help him. He'll take Ace away! I won't lose my son! I can't!" she sighed as she buried her head in her hands and then looked up. "OK, Kelly, think what are you going to do? You can come up with something. . ."

* * *

". . . You have to Natty," Rex's voice pleaded from the other end of the line.

"I don't have to do anything but die, Rex, and I'm not planning on doing that any time soon either," Natalie replied tensely, wondering why she had bothered to answer the call as she loaded the trunk of her car.

"I'm going to loose Ultra Violet and then what am I gonna do? I don't have my club, I'm going to mooch off of you even more."

"Great argument there, Rex," Nat sighed as she leaned against the fender of her car and stared at Lanfair.

"You know what I mean."

"How much did you give Roxie?"

"Oh come on. You know I. . ."

"What? Had to?" Nat shot back. "You borrowed money to improve your business--- using said business for collateral--- but give most of it to her. Then you come to me like I'm a friggin' band. I'm not, Rex. I swear, I've given you two more money than I've spent on myself!"

"It's not like you can't spear it."

"Maybe I'd like for it to be around someday down the road. Maybe I'd like to know that if I can't work I'll still have a roof over my head and food on the table."

"I'll pay you back. I swear!"

"Yeah. When? After you pay off more of Roxie's debts?"

"She'd be dead if I didn't."

"And it would be her own fault, wouldn't it?"

"Nat. Come on. . ."

"Rex, I'm so damned tired of this!"

"It'll be an investment. I'll pay you back. Give you an interest in the club. Anything you want. I just can't loose it."

"Anything I want? Any terms I lay out?"

"Yeah."  
  
"OK then. If I can get Nora or Evangeline to write up the papers so we can sign them tonight, I'll do it."

"Tonight?"

"Something wrong with that?"

"Yeah. I had plans."

"Yeah, well so do I. Tonight or not at all."

"Ok, Ok. Thanks sis," he added as he hung up.

"Don't thank me yet, you haven't heard the terms," she muttered as she put her cell phone in her pocket.

* * *

Smiling Jessica put her cell phone in her pocket. "Antonio?" Vicky asked from her bed as she watched her daughter.

"Yeah. He's going to try to come over with Jamie for a bit," she answered as she sat back down on the foot of the bed.

"Well, that will be nice," Vicky said. "Although, nicer would be you moving back home with him."

"Not until you're back on your feet," Jess countered.

"Really, Jessica! I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I have a full staff, Todd's pager, and you sister is here."

"Yeah. You can really count on Nat."

"Jessie? Where is that coming from?"

"No where. We um. . . we just had a bit of an argument and there's a couple of left over resentments that's all."

"Well, I can't say I'm not surprised. You've been so stressed its not surprising that an argument happened sooner or later."

"It shouldn't have. . . we both said things. . . and. . . it really hurt. . . you know?"

"Well, I'm sure Natalie will apologize later and it will all be fine. . ." Vicky sighed. "Now, tell me about Jamie. . ."

* * *

Having contacted Evangeline and getting the ball rolling on saving Rex's hide, Natalie moved towards Vicky's room, stopping as she heard her mother's voice: _"Well, I'm sure Natalie will apologize later and it will all be fine. . ."_

As her words registered, Natalie moved back shaking her head. Of course, Jess would run to their mother, and of course Vicky would assume that she was the one who needed to apologize.

Well, she'd be damned if she would.

And she'd also be damned if she let them know that they'd hurt her. She would just leave. It wasn't like she'd be missed.

Turning, she all but ran down the hall and back towards the main entrance, nearly running into Renee as she did. "Slow down, sugar," the older woman admonished with a slight laugh, than as she took in her step granddaughter's face, changed her tone. "You all right?"

"Yeah. Just in a rush. Have to meet with Rex," she shrugged.

"You sure that's all?"

"Yeah? Why wouldn't it be?" Natalie asked defensively.

Renee frowned at that and shrugged, "if you say so. Is Vicky up for company?"

"Jess is sitting with her, so I guess so."

_And there's the real problem, _Renee thought. "Well, I'll head back. Just, before I do, I have something for you," she answered as she opened her purse.

"For me? Why?"

"Well, it's not too much," Renee answered as she held out a small package, her voice cracking slightly. "It was in Ben's wallet and I thought. . ."

"In his wallet?" Natalie asked as she fingered the wrapper uncertainly. "Are you sure you want to give me something that he. . . well, it must have been important for him if he carried it with him."

Renee smiled sadly at that: "I'm sure. In fact, I think he'd want you to have it. Go ahead and open it, Honey, so you can see for yourself."

Biting her lip, Natalie flipped the tape away from the paper with her nail and peeled it back to see the back of a frame. "The frame is one Asa gave me back in the old days," Renee explained at the bemused look on Natalie's face. "And yes, I'm sure I want you to have that too," she put in as Natalie opened her mouth to ask just that.

Shrugging, Natalie turned the frame over as she let the paper fall to the floor, gasping slight as she looked at the picture that was in the frame. A picture of her and Ben that had been taken shortly after she had 'become a Buchanan.' "He had this in his wallet?"

"Yes."

"I didn't. . . I mean. . . I didn't know any one. . ." she started through tears. "I don't know what to say. . . I mean. . . I didn't have. . . and I wanted. . ." she shook her head, hugging the picture to her chest. "Thank you, Renee."

Choked up at first Renee could only nod, but after a moment managed to get a: "you're welcome dear," past the lump in her throat

"I umm. . . I better. . ."  
  
"Yeah. I need to. . ." Renee replied, giving the younger woman an out. As soon as she left, Renee pulled out her cell phone and dialed a number: "yes, it's Renee Buchanan. I need a favor. . ."

* * *

"I need a favor," Antonio said from the door of John's office as he watched the other man hang up his phone.

"What?"

"Cover the stake out for me tonight?"

"Why? Jamie sick?" John asked as he opened a file.

"No. I want to take her over to see Jess. Spend sometime together. You know we really haven't been able to with everything that's been going on."  
  
"Sorry, can't."  
  
"Why not?" Antonio asked.

"Because I promised someone else that I'd do them a favor. If Jamie were sick I would've found a way out of it."  
  
"Come on. Something's wrong with Jessica and I want to cheer her up."

"Yeah, well, Renee's worried about Natalie. I promised her that I'd stop by and see how she's doing," John answered as he picked up a file and started to review it.

"With the trouble Nat's been courting, I'm pretty sure putting it off won't make that much of a difference," Antonio countered.

Frowning, John put the file down as he posed a question to the other man: "why is it that everyone seems to put Jessica before Natalie?"

"Hey man, in case you failed to notice, Jess is my fiancée."

"True, but in case you missed it when I said it: Renee asked me to check on her. How often is it that someone has thought of having someone check on her? Sorry, I'm not doing it. Not tonight."

"But I already. . ." Antonio started only to stop at John's look. "Never mind. Tell Nat I said hi," he added as he backed out of the office.

Shaking his head, John picked the file back up, checking the clock as he continued to read it. . .

* * *

"So, Nat's going to be here soon?" Rex asked as he looked at the clock on the wall before returning his attention back to the file that Evangeline had given him.

"That's what she said," the older, black woman said as she sat on a stool and watched as Rex rounder the bar while reading over the contract. "You need any help understanding that?"

"No. I'm not an idiot," he answered as he flipped the page.

"That's debatable," Natalie countered as she hurried over. "Sorry I'm late."

"You ok? You look like you've been crying," Evangeline commented.

Rex snorted at that: "Natty never cries."

"I'm fine. Thanks," Natalie answered for herself. "Did you put in the clauses. . ."

"What the hell! Natalie, you can't!" Rex started.

"Guess you did. And yeah, Rex, I can. You said anything," she countered.

"You really going to hold me to this?"

"You want the money?"

"Ok. Ok. I'll agree to the terms. Where do I sign?"

"There are post its marking the places," Evangeline stated. "Blue for you. Red for Natalie," she explained as Rex flipped through and started signing, then turned towards Natalie. "Are you sure about this?"

"Yeah. It'll be an investment. I get my money back plus a share, or I get the whole thing. Seems like a win/win. Besides, bailing him out of trouble is what I do."

"Too bad it doesn't apply to other people," he gripped.

"Rex, I've been bailing you out of trouble since I could dial a phone. I'm tired of it. It's time Roxy grew up."

"She needs. . ."

"To stop gambling," Natalie interrupted. "And maybe if we stop enabling her she will."

"And if she doesn't?"

Natalie shrugged, "I don't know. But the clauses stand. You can give her money, but it doesn't come from Ultra Violet. You do, you forfeit on the loan."

"You'd really take the club from me?"

"Try me, Rex."

"When did you become one of them?"

"One of who?"

"The Buchanans. When did you become judgmental and all for hoarding the riches?"

"Maybe when I realized that I'm nothing more than a walking ATM to you and Roxy."

"You're not."

"Aren't I? Get into debt with RJ then run to 'big sis' to bail your sorry ass out with her bankroll. Don't offer her a partnership. Don't go to her first with a business offer, just get her to clean up the mess! Well, you know what, Rex? I'm no more wanted by them than by you, but I've learned enough to not just give MY money away. So I'm bailing you out with a loan that will be paid out as laid out in that contract. Evangeline will watch over the accounts, and if you fuck up, which you undoubtedly will, I get the club. I get away to get my money back. To be independent of the whole lot of you, and if you don't piss me off, you can stay on here. If you do, you know where the door is, and you can stand on your own two feet for once in your life. Now, if you want the money give me the damn papers, otherwise, take your chances with RJ."  
  
Swallowing, Rex shook his head as he handed her the papers, "you've really changed, haven't you?"

"Yeah. I guess I have," she sighed as she signed the papers, wondering if it was a good thing or not.


	4. Chapter 4: Don't Cry Out Loud

**Chapter 4: ****Don't Cry Out Loud**

_Baby cried the day the circus came to town,__  
__'Cause she didn't want parades just passing by her._  
_So she painted on a smile and then took up with some clown, _  
_While she danced without a net upon the wire._  
_I know a lot about her, 'cause you see,_  
_Baby, is an awful lot like me._  
  
_Don't cry out loud,_  
_Just keep it inside,_  
_And learn how to hide your feelings._  
_Fly high and proud._  
_And if you should fall,_  
_Remember you almost had it all._

_Song Credit: Don't Cry Out Loud _Melissa Manchester

Natalie stepped out of Ultra Violet and headed across the parking lot, stopping when RJ blocked her path: "so the Princess bails out her loser brother once again," he snarked. "I didn't think you were that stupid."

"I'm not bailing him out. I'm investing," Natalie challenged. "And considering the terms I had Evangeline lay out, I don't think that I'm the one who should be considered stupid."

"Really? And what would they be?"

"Apparently, they're tougher than yours. Only he has no one else to go to now."

"Except Lindsey," RJ countered.

"Maybe, but I'll still retain an interest," she answered. "Not so stupid after all, huh?"

"I'm impressed. Seems at least one member of your family has a brain. When it becomes yours, let me know. I might have an offer for you."

"And if I want to own instead of just waitress."

RJ laughed at that: "we'll still talk."

"Will we?"

"Unlike most of your family, I happen to like you. You have spunk, and I think we could make an interesting team."

"Just what type of proposition are you making there, RJ?"

RJ laughed slightly at that, "as interesting as the other type might be, just a business one--- and maybe one of friendship."

Natalie tilted her head slightly at that: "I could use a friend. Especially one as _seemingly _loyal as you. However, you ever double cross me the way you have Lindsey, I'd have to make you pay."

"You think you could?" RJ asked amused.

"You willing to find out?" she retorted as footsteps sounded behind her.

"Why don't you leave her alone?" the voice asked.

"Well, well, well. If it isn't the body part snatcher. Surprised they let you out of jail so soon."

Paul smirked at that: "too bad Vega's too incompetent to put you there," he countered as he pulled Natalie by her arm. "Come on."

"I'm not going anywhere with you," she argued trying to pull away from his hold.

"What? You prefer his company?" Paul asked.

"Considering what you did, you have to ask?" she shot back as she broke free.

"Come on, I didn't know he was going to. . . I would've made sure your Mom got that heart!" he protested.

"Yeah? For how much? What would your cut have been?"

"Natalie, come on. You know that I just got in over my head. I had to. . ."

"Different song, same refrain," Natalie broke in. "You know until you get some height, you had better stay the hell out of the water! And while you're at it, stay away from me!" she added turning away from him.

Angrily, Paul grabbed her and pulled her back against him, moving to speak directly in her ear: "You don't mean that. You know I'm the only one who really cares about you. I would've made you a hero," he added caressing her neck, enjoying knowing that her shiver was caused by fear and not lust. "You like this. . . us. You keep lying to yourself. You're not one of them, you holier than thou bitch. You like what I do to you. What I bring to you."

"You kept me away from them!" she gasped as he tightened his hold. "You make me do things that I no longer want to. You make me lose my head."

"It's fun. It's freeing. Let me help you be free."

"I don't want your type of freedom!"

"You want it. Crave it, and a whole lot more," he countered, rubbing against her, till a hand clamped on his shoulder and a gun cocked at his temple.

"Sounds to me like she wants to be left alone," RJ said in his ear. "So, let her, or else. . . well, as you said Antonio can't get me into a cell and I'm sure the Feds won't look too hard. What with the Santis after you."

"You wouldn't."

"Care to try me?"

Swallowing, Paul pushed Natalie away from him and into the wall of the club. "You'll be sorry. You both will," he announced as he stormed off.

"Yeah. I'm shaking in my shoes," RJ called after him as he reholstered his gun and crossed to Natalie. "You ok?" he asked.

"Ah huh. . ." she answered shakily.

"Man's an ass. Don't know why you ever dated him. Even more so, don't know why McBaine didn't stop you," he muttered as he shrugged out of his suit jacket and placed it over her shoulders.

"Like he cares?"

"Oh, he cares. I see that much," RJ remarked as she looked at him, her eyes starting to clear. "Sorry, I took so long, but I had to get the drop on him," he said softly as he took in the scrap on her cheek and the bruise that was starting to form around it.

"It's. . . I could've. . ." she shook her head to try to clear it. "Thanks. Although I don't know if I'm gonna like whatever you'll want in return."

"Consider it a freebee. I don't like guys roughing up women," he added at her look of surprise. "You going to be ok getting home?" he asked as he turned her and started to move her towards her car.

"Yeah."

"He bothers you, call me. I'll take care of him."

"I can take care of myself."

"I know. But I also know that guys like Crammer turn even the most level of heads," he rebutted as they stopped next to her car, "you really hit that wall hard didn't you?"

"Had worse falls in my life," she shrugged.

"Well, take care of it. Wouldn't want to be blamed," he snarked.

"Don't worry. I'll make sure Antonio knows that you were the one trying to help," she answered as she went to shrug out of his jacket.

"Yeah, like he'd believe it. Keep the jacket," he added as he opened the door for her.

"Well who'd have thought. You're a gentleman."  
  
"Just don't let it get out."

"Wouldn't dream of it. Who'd believe me anyway?" she asked as he shut the door. . .

* * *

Antonio shut the door to the office, his steps heavy as he crossed to the phone. He knew that John had a point, but he was also annoyed. He was a man with responsibilities. A fiancé and a daughter. John should've respected that. He should've traded him time so that he could spend some with Jessica.

Hell, he would've looked in on Natalie himself. She was, after all, his sister-in-law. But with how she had been acting lately, she deserved to be upset. She should be reevaluating her situation--- alone.

Shaking his head, he picked up the phone and dialed Jess's number, smiling as her voice came over the line, only to frown at her question. "No, hun. Change of plans. John wouldn't take the stakeout for me after all."

"Why?" Jess whined. "Antonio?" she prodded on his sigh.

"Something's apparently up with Natalie. He was going to check on her."

"Yeah something's up with her all right. I can't believe she'd. . . UGH!"

"Jess, what's going on?"

"Nothing. Everything," she answered. "We had a fight earlier. Apparently she wants to get back at me for what I said, even though what she said was more hurtful."

"Jess, she didn't. . ."

"It doesn't matter. . ."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. You'll come by later in the morning?"

"You bet."  
  
"See you then then," she sighed as the dial tone rang in her ear. "Oh, you're going to be sorry for this," she muttered as she crossed the room and grabbed her purse and keys, slamming the door behind her.

* * *

Natalie grabbed her purse and keys as she got out of her car, letting the door slam shut behind her as she hit the remote to lock the door.

Seeing a shadow on her stoop, her steps faltered slightly, until she realized who was there. "Thanks for scaring the hell out of me," she complained as she continued up the drive.

"You should have a time light," John chided as he rose from the stoop.

"I do. It's out and I haven't really had to time to change it," she answered as she pushed past him to insert her key into the door.

"I'll do it before I leave."

"Who saids you're staying? Why are you here anyway? I know you guys got Paul and that he's out on bail," she groused as she pushed the door open.

"Crammer made bail?" John asked as he picked up a shopping back and followed her in.

"Apparently," she answered as she flicked on the lights. "Who invited you in?"

"Renee was worried about you," he answered, then paused. "Is there are reason why you're wearing RJ Gannon's jacket?"

"Tell Renee I'm fine. I don't need a babysitter," she replied as she moved stiffly into the living room and dropped the jacket onto the couch before going to see if she had any messages.

"Yeah, you look fine. If RJ did something. . ."

"He didn't."  
  
"Natalie. . ."

"He didn't do anything. I'm fine. Leave me alone."

John sighed as he dropped the bag of groceries he carried onto the couch and moved up behind her, "you're so no fine it's not even worth denying it," he said as he placed his hands on her shoulders, dropping them when she hissed out a breath. "What's wrong?"

"It's just been a long day. Please, just leave me alone."

"I can't," he sighed as he gently touched her elbow. "Natalie, please. . ."

"Please what?"

"At least look at me."

"John. . ."

"Prove you're all right."

Sighing, she turned, letting him see the marks that were on her face. "I'm not OK, OK?"

"Who did this?"

"I tripped."

"On your own or with help?"

"Does it matter?"

"If Gannon. . ."

"It wasn't RJ," she defended as she pulled away and started pacing the room. "I went to Ultra Violet to see Rex and. . . RJ and I talked and then Paul showed up. . . I tripped OK? RJ gave me his jacket. I don't know why. He walked me to my car. That's it," she rambled, ending by dropping onto the couch, at a crumpling sound she shifted and looked at John.

"That was supposed to be dinner," he answered as he moved over to see it next to her.

"Oh. I'm not up to cooking."

"I'll cook."

"John. . ."

"I need the practice," he shrugged. "Go take a shower and clean up. I'll get things started," he said as he rose.

"I'm not going to be good company."

"So. I'm not exactly known for my social skills. Besides, I don't want you to be alone if Crammer shows up."

"I think RJ gave him enough of a scare that he won't. At least not tonight."

"Do I even want to know?"

"Probably not."

"Tell me any way, now that you've got my curiosity piqued."  
  
"Promise you won't arrest him."

"Natalie. . ."

"Promise. He was just helping me out."

"And he'll want something in return," John cautioned.

"He said he doesn't. That he just doesn't like seeing a woman roughed up. His words."

"All right. What'd he do?"

"Your word."

"You have it."

"He pulled a gun on Paul and said something. I missed most of it."

"Because Paul pushed you into something."

"He let me go. I tripped."

"Same difference."

"I was lucky RJ was there," Natalie admitted shakily.

"Yeah. You were. And that that's all that Paul did," John answered as he rubbed a finger down her cheek. "Go wash away some of the day's problems. I'll start dinner."

"If only it was that simple," she sighed timidly.

"It's a start any way," he said softly as he rose, pausing to kiss her forehead. "You're safe now. OK? No problems for an hour or two."

"Yeah. Sure, she sighed as she shifted on the couch and stared at the ceiling.

Looking at her, John wished he knew a better way to get through. "Mind if I put on some music?"

"Nah. Go ahead. There's a CD In the player. Change it if you want," she shrugged as she pushed to her feet, wobbling slightly before she started across the room and towards the stairs.

Once she was out of view, John started the CD, smiling as the music came out of the speakers and he recognized his mother's voice. . .


	5. Chapter 5: Sometimes When We Touch

Chapter 5

Sometimes When We Touch

_You ask me if I love you and I choke on my reply  
I'd rather hurt you honestly than mislead you with a lie  
And who am I to judge you on what you say or do  
I'm only just beginning to see the real you  
And sometimes when we touch  
the honesty's too much and I have to close my eyes and hide  
I wanna hold you till I die  
till we both break down and cry  
I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides_

About fifteen minutes later Natalie descended the stairs of her cottage dressed in a pair of low rise, drawstring, sweat pants and a tank top, her bare feet slapping against the wood as she brushed her hair.

Absently, she hummed along to the music playing in the other room. Entering said room, she paused and stared at the room in surprise. It wasn't by any means a romantic paradise, but itwas sweet.

The papers and books that had covered the table had been moved and a couple of candles that she kept around the room had been lit. The room, it self, was dimly lit and a bottle of beer had been placed on the table in front of her usual seat, a miniature pool table beside it. _Well, he certainly went through a lot of trouble, _she thought with a slight smile as she crossed the room to pick up the bottle. Taking a swig, she recognized the music playing and shook her head: "John, you know you could've changed the CD," she called out as she walked towards the kitchen.

"My mother ever found out I did, I'd be as good as dead. Besides, you know she's my favorite."

Natalie laughed at that: "not the least bit biased there, are you?"

"Now what would give you that idea?" he asked from near the stove.

"You know, you really didn't have to do this," she told him softly as she pulled self consciously at the label of her beer.

"Yeah. But I wanted to," he shrugged. "You feeling. . ." he started as the door bell rang.

"I better get that," Natalie sighed turning towards the doorway.

"If you need. . ."

"I'll call out," she answered as she hurried to the door. "I'm coming, I'm coming," she yelled in response to the insistent ringing. "Where's the fire?" she asked as she pulled open the door, expecting to see Roxy only to get an irate Jessica, who stormed passed her and into the alcove, instead.

"I really can't believe you! You know that? As if starting that fight wasn't enough, you had to go further and get John to come over here to see you so that Antonio couldn't be there for me tonight!" the blonde ranted.

"Jess, calm down. I don't know what. . ." Natalie started to protest as Jess spun around and continued her rant: "Don't. You are the most selfish person I have ever met! You have to destroy any happiness I might have because you're still jealous! You had no right to pull your 'poor pitiful me' act tonight!"

"Why? Because you didn't get to work on yours?" John asked from the doorway of the living room.

"Excuse me?" Jess asked incredulous.

"It's ok, John," Natalie said stiffly. "You don't understand."

"I think I understand enough," he said coming towards them, fixing his gaze on Jessica. "For your information, Natalie didn't call me. Renee asked me to come over and check on her because she was worried. Furthermore, tonight was, and has been, my night off. Antonio just figured he'd be able to get me to take his shift for him."

"And you would've if it weren't for her and her acting skills!" Jess whined as she turned her attention back to her twin. "What? Paul too busy for you?"

Natalie inhaled at that: "get out!"

"Gladly," Jess huffed, pushing past her and out the door, listening as it slammed behind her. Shaking, the blonde wrapped her arms around her chest and stared up at the sky. "What the hell did I just do?" she asked herself as she looked back at the door. "No. . . I'll give it time to blow over. . ." she said as she started towards her car.

Meanwhile, Natalie slumped against the other side of the door, closing her eyes against tears. "She's wrong, you know," John said softly as he watched her with concern.

"It doesn't matter," she answered tiredly.

"It does."

"Whatever," she muttered as she pushed away from the door and brushed pass him.

"Don't," he admonished as he followed her into the living room.

"Don't what?" she asked as she collapsed onto the couch.

"Don't hold it all in. You don't have to. Not tonight."

"This coming from Mr. Openness?"

John shrugged: "I'm trying. I told you that. . ."

"I have enough real people overshadowing me, I don't need a ghost too."

"I'm trying. But I'm not the only one in this room with baggage," he reminded.

Slouching further into her seat, Natalie looked at the ceiling before closing her eyes: "I'm so tired of all of this. Of trying to fit into a world I can't fit into. Of having to be one person for one family and another for the other and being a part of neither! Of no one wanting me for anything but money that I haven't even earned!"

Unsure of what to say or do, John sat down next to her. "That was one of the reasons you dated Paul, wasn't it?" he asked, reading between the lines of her words. "He made you feel wanted. At least at first."

"I don't know. He was just one more in a line of bad choices," she admitted. "I suppose I was able to forget when I was with him."

"The fact that you were usually drunk when you were with him didn't hurt in that area," John couldn't help but put in.

"I guess. But I also thought that he cared. Then I realized it was the money that he cared about, but I wouldn't admit because there was at least someone there. Someone I thought might want me."

"You should've shifted your sights," John commented.

"To who?" Natalie asked, then as he looked away laughed hollowly. "Yeah, that's what I thought. No one. . . not any more. . ." she sighed as she pushed herself away from the couch.

"Christian wasn't the only one," John started, surprised when she laughed again.

"Christian? You think. . . you know the funny thing is I don't think even he really wanted me. I was just a replacement for Jessica."

"He loved you Natalie. That much I do know," he said rising to go to her.

"But not. . ." she shook her head as she used her hand to brush back her hair. "Did Renee tell you why she was worried?"

"No."

"She gave me something at Vickie's today. Something I hadn't even known about."

"What?"

"You never met Ben. He was. . ." she started and then looked down at her feet and shook her head while her fingers twirled and untwirled the drawstring of her pants. "He was the first one to accept me. Made me feel like I fit. Belonged. He was. . . he became. . .I mean, I hadn't even met Clint then. . ."

"He was like a father to you."

"Yeah. I guess."

"Renee gave you something of his?"

"I didn't ask for it," Natalie started defensively. "I never would've even presumed to ask for something of his," she added. "But she. . ."

"What did she give you?"

"It's silly really," she shrugged.

John stepped closer to her and used his finger to raise her chin so she'd look at him. "Apparently, not to you," he said softly, ignoring her attempt to look away as he continued. "What was it?"

"Just a picture," Natalie shrugged.

"Of you and Ben?" he guessed.

"Yeah. Renee said they found it in his wallet. . . No one ever. . ." she shook her head as tears started to fall.

Gently, John enfolded her in his arms and pulled her to him, "its ok. Let it out, Nat. Let it out," he whispered into her hair as he let her cry into his chest.

Sometime later, Natalie pulled away embarrassed, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that."

"You needed to. You've been through a lot lately. Your mother. Ben. The stuff with Paul."

"A lot of people would say that most of it was my own fault."

"What was?"

"The stuff with Paul. Even Ben."

"You couldn't control any of it."

"Maybe, but if it weren't for me Alison wouldn't have. . ."

"Natalie, she was involved because of Lawrence."

"But. . ."

"No. Take it from someone who's carried that sort of blame, no matter how many times you reply it. How many times you try to make it come out differently, you can't."

"He's the only one that I ever believed really. . ."

"Stop," John said as he gently cupped her face with his hands so that she'd have to look him in the eyes. "You're wanted."

"Prove it," she whispered, lifting to tiptoe and kissing him, pulling away angrily when he didn't respond, she cursed and turned away.

"You don't want to do this right now, and I don't want. . ." he started to defend as his arms dropped to his sides.

"Me. You don't want me, right? Not that way! I GET IT! Just friends and all that," she lashed out.

"Don't want?" he asked as he reached out and took hold of her arm before spinning her around to face him as he gently pulled her back to him. "You have no clue what I want," he added as he leaned his head down to hers, tempering the emotions he was feeling as best as he could so that he could keep the kiss gentle.

At first, Natalie remained tense in his hold, but as his tongue probed at her lips, she relaxed against him, her lips opening against his to allow him access to her mouth as her arms went around his waist and her hands pulled at his shirt.

Ending the kiss as gently as he had started it, John leaned his forehead against hers, "we shouldn't. Not while you're so worked up."

"There's never going to be a right time. You won't let there be," she accused as she moved her hands to his front and started to unbuckle his belt. "I want this. We both do."

"I don't want this to be another mistake for you."

"Are you with me? I sit me you see? Want? Right now. In this moment," she asked, her hands undoing buttons and his fly.

His hands covered her and stopped them as he brought his lips close to hers. "I'm with you," he whispered against her lips.

"Then finish it this time," she insisted. "Finish me,"" she added, enjoying his gasp as she slid her hand under the fabric of his pants to touch him. "Make me believe that you want me."

_Kiss Me too fiercely  
Hold me too tight  
I need help believing  
You're with me tonight  
My wildest dreams  
Could not foresee  
Lying beside you  
With you wanting me_

Inhaling, he moved quickly, managing to back her into the wall while extracting her hand from his pants. "I don't know if I can ever make you do that," he said against her lips, his eyes dark and serious as he pinned her arms behind her.

"This isn't about more than now," she answered.

"Isn't it?" he challenged before taking her lips more forcefully with his as he inserted one of his strong legs between hers and trailed his hands up her sides and under her shirt.

Gasping at his touch, she allowed her head to arch back as she rubbed herself against his leg. "Too long. . ." she whimpered.

"What's too long?" he asked as he pulled away slightly so that he could look into her dilated eyes.

"This. . .," she answered as she shifted so that she would pull her arms out from behind her. "You're taking too damned long," she added pulling his head down to hers and shifting again on his leg so that she would ride it with more pleasant friction.

Caressingly, he slid his hands down her sides and stepping towards her, pressing her tighter against the wall so that he stopped her hips.

"Nooo. . ." she moaned against his mouth.

"Yes," he said back as he moved his torso back slightly. "You want me to prove I want you, then let me," he added as he leaned in to his her lips. "My way," he whispered against her jaw. "In my time. . ."

_And just for this moment  
As long as you're mine  
I've lot all resistance  
And crossed some borderline  
And if it turns out  
It's over too fast  
I'll make every last moment last  
As long as you're mine_

_Maybe I'm brainless  
Maybe I'm wise  
But you've got me seeing  
Though different eyes  
Somehow I've fallen  
Under your spell  
And somehow I'm feeling  
It's up that I fell_

His time was slow.

His way intoxicating.

His hands and lips slid over her, chasing each other as they turned her so that she was pressed against the wall while he undressed her. All the while, keeping her in a state of arousal without giving her relief.

Brushing her hair to the side he frowned at the bruise on her shoulder blade before he kissed it. "I should kill him for hurting you," he said against it as he moved his body into more intimate contact with hers.

"Don't. . ." she gasped. "Not. . . now. . ."

Chuckling at her response, he turned her with one hand as he started to pull his shirt off. The sound soon changing to a gasp as she moved forward and placed her lips on his now uncovered chest, slowly moving down to push his remaining clothes down as well.

As her body started to lower, he recovered enough to pull her back up and against him. Stepping towards the wall, he once more sandwiched her between it and his body. "My way, remember?" he asked, grasping her hands and bring them up against the wall on either side of her head as he inserted his leg between hers.

"Please. . .I need. . ."

"Need?" he asked rubbing against her and kissing her neck as his hands slid down her arms and reached her breasts. One hand remaining on the sensitive piece of flesh as the other traveled lower.

_Every moment  
As long as you're mine  
I'll wake up my body  
And make up for lost time_

"Want?. . ." she gasped pushing against him as her eyes closed. "I want. . . so. . .much. . . it. . .hurts."

"So do I," he reassured, his forehead touching hers, "open your eyes. See how much. . ."

_Say there's no future  
For us as a pair_

_And though I know I may know  
I don't care_

"See how much I want you, Natalie," he demanded as he shifted to tease her flesh with his.

Breathing hard, she forced her eyes open and stared into his. "I . . . I. . . want . . .soo. . . much," she gasped.

"So do I," was all he could answer, even as he thought: _and what I want is you_, while he trusted into her. . .

_Just for this moment  
As long as you're mine  
Come be how you want to  
And see how bright we shine  
Borrow the moonlight  
Until it is though  
And know I'll be here holding you  
As long as you're mine_

_Song Credits: Sometimes When We Touch- Engleburt Humperdink_

_As Long As You're Mine- Wicked_


	6. Chapter 6: We've Got Tonight

**_Your Intuition_**

Chapter 6: We've Got Tonight

_I know it's late, I know you're weary  
I know your plans don't include me  
Still here we are, both of us lonely  
Longing for shelter from all that we see  
Why should we worry, no one will care girl  
Look at the stars so far away  
We've got tonight, who needs tomorrow?  
We've got tonight babe  
Why don' you stay?_

_Deep in my soul, I've been so lonely  
All of my hopes, fading away  
I've longed for love, like everyone else does  
I know I'll keep searching, even after today  
So there it is girl, I've said it all now  
And here we are babe, what do you say?  
We've got tonight, who needs tomorrow?  
We've got tonight babe  
Why don't you stay?_

Trying to recover his bearings, John pulled away from Natalie. "Convincing?" he gasped.

"Maybe," she exhaled as she smiled shyly at him and leaned against the wall to keep from sinking to the ground.

"I'd try harder, but dinner's going to burn," he replied with an indulgent roll of his eyes as he pulled his pants back on.

"You're worried about food?"

"Need to keep my strength up," he shot back as he picked his shirt up off the floor and handed it to her.

"Really?" she asked as she slid into it, "for what?"

"I'll show you for what," he laughed as he pulled her towards him for another passionate kiss.

Breathing heavily as they ended the kiss, Natalie shook her head to clear it. "Well, it certainly doesn't seem like you're in danger of not having strength."

"I will be if we keep this up."

"Well, then, I wouldn't want to be to blame for you losing strength," she teased as she moved pass him.

"Oh, I seriously doubt that," he laughed as he pulled her back against her.

"I thought you wanted dinner," she pallied back as he pushed her hair over her shoulder.

"Perhaps I'll just have to eat you," he answered as he sucked at a tender spot on her neck.

With something between a moan and a giggled she shifted away from him so she could look back over her shoulder at him. "What? Are you a vampire?"

"Only in a past life," he replied sardonically as he moved his lips towards hers.

"How intriguing," she laughed as he gently bit her bottom lip, only for the moment to be broken by the ringing of the telephone. With a weary sigh, she turned and eyed the phone while worrying the flesh he had just touched with her own teeth.

"Let it ring," he told her as he placed his hands on her shoulders and pulled her back towards him.

"It might be important," she started to protest as Clint's voice carried over the answering machine: "Natalie, I just wanted to let you know that the pilot called me. He said that he can't fly out tonight. . ."

Feeling John's hands slide off her shoulder's, Nat lunged for the phone and picked it up, speaking awkwardly: "Clint, sorry I didn't pick up sooner. . .no. . .I'm fine, honestly. . .umm, well, John's here," she admitted as she turned and looked at him, not sure what to make of the expression that was on his face. "No, that's ok. . .He did?. . . Well, I went to see Rex for a little while after we spoke. . .right. . . no, that's fine. . .no, I'll be home so he can call me here when the weather shifts enough for us to leave. . .not a lot, I've already packed some things. . . .should I. . . oh. . .OK. . .so…yeah… tomorrow then," she sighed as she ended the call and hung up the phone.

Uneasily, she turned back to John, twisting the bottom of John's shirt in her fingers. "That was my father. I'm.. . well, the thing is. . ."

"You're going somewhere, apparently," he finished for her in a voice tinged with annoyance.

"To London. He asked me to come stay with him for a while," she sighed as she looked down at her feet.

"And what was this? Goodbye?"

"I don't know. It's not like either of us planned this, John. We didn't even. . . Sh!t!"

"We didn't what?" he asked coming towards her.

"Use protection," she answered, embarrassed.

"Well, I guess that's something we need to discuss, isn't it?"

"A bit late, don't you think?" she shot back testily as she moved towards the kitchen.

"Why is it," he started as he followed her, "that women think that men should have to carry the responsibility for protection? What are you doing?" he asked abruptly as she moved to the stove.

"Finishing dinner."

"Somehow, I don't think that matters much right now."

"Then I'm keeping the house from burning down!" she replied as she turned off the burner. "And for you're information, I'm on the pill," she added as she spun around to face him.

"So we did use something," he sighed as he leaned against the counter across from her.

"Why do guys think that when a woman's on the pill it means that they don't have to use anything else?" she retorted as she turned back around and picked up the pot the wrong way. "Dmnit!" she cried out as she dropped the pot back on to the stove.

Shaking his head, John moved to her before leading her over to the sink. There he ran her hand under the cold water in silence. "I really didn't plan this. I wasn't going to tell anyone. I was just going to go."

"Your mother will worry."

"I doubt that she'll notice," Natalie sighed as he released her hand and she leaned tiredly against the sink watching him turn off the water. Accepting the towel he offered to her, she dried her hand and looked up at him, "so now what?"

"You tell me. You're the one who's running away."

"I'm not," she protested, then at his look clarified: "something's going on with Clint. I don't know what, and the fact that he's told me not to worry about why he wants me to go stay with him has me even more worried than if I knew, especially since Cord is the one picking me up at the airport. I'm not exactly sure I'll even be able to pick him out of the crowd. And with everything. . ." she shook her head, not even knowing how to express what was going on in her mind.

"Hey. It's OK. You gotta do what you gotta do."

"I don't want to loose this," she admitted hesitantly.

"Whatever this is," he added watching her.

"What should it be?'

"What do you want it to be?" he countered.

Confused, she started to slip pass him. "This scares you, doesn't it?" he accused, watching as she stopped in the doorway. "You want this to be something," he added, causing her to turn and look at him.

"Can it?" she wondered. "Can it even if I go to London in the morning? Can we have something, because I have to tell you, John, that I do want us to be an _us_. I want us to be more than a one night stand or even friends with benefits."

"How long?" he asked as he crossed to her.

"How long what?" she asked as she got lost in his eyes and the feel of his hand cupping her cheek.

"How long are you going to be gone?"

"As long as Clint needs me to be there," she answered truthfully.

Nodding, he dropped his hand, slightly disappointed, but not surprised. "Well. I guess we start with tonight then. The rest we'll have to figure out as we go."

"Will we?"

"I don't want to loose us either, Natalie," he admitted as he took her hand in his and entwined their fingers. "So, yeah. We'll find a way. Although, it'll be interesting. I'm not that great with up close relationships. I can't promise that I'll be better at long distant ones," he admitted sheepishly.

"But we'll try, right?'

"Yeah," he agreed. "We'll try. . ."

_I know it's late, I know you're weary  
I know your plans don't include me  
Still here we are, both of us lonely  
Both of us lonely_

_We've got tonight, who needs tomorrow?  
Let's make it last, let's find a way  
Turn out the light, come take my hand now  
We've got tonight babe  
Why don't you stay?  
Why don't you stay?_

_Song credit: We've Got Tonight_


	7. Chapter 7: Child Psychology

Your Intuition

Chapter 7: Child Psychology

_My parents welcomed me with loving arms  
But within an hour were back at each others throats  
Normal, happy childhood back on course  
Batteries not included  
Life is unfair, kill yourself or get over it  
Life is unfair, kill yourself or get over it  
Life is unfair, kill yourself or get over it  
Life is unfair, kill yourself or get over it_

Natalie slept peacefully in John's arms. For the first time in months, her dreams were uninterrupted, and she did not have the urge to hide from demons that had chased her for years. Rather, she slept dreamlessly and soundly. But as was often the case when she found contentment, it was not to last. . .

The ringing of the phone jarred her from sleep to wakefulness. Groggily, she pulled away from John's body to pick up the extension next to her bed: "What?"

"Ms. Buchanan, the weather's cleared. We'll be able to depart in two hours," the voice on the other end of the line said.

Pushing her hair out of her eyes, Natalie tried to make out the time on the digital clock, and figure out what was going on. "Umm. . . what?"

"We'll be ready to take off in two hours, M'am."

"Oh, ok," she replied, as she started to realize what she was being told.

"Will that be ok with you?"

"Yeah. Sure. Whatever. Two hours, I've got it," she repeated back before hanging up and falling back onto the bed.

"Two hours, huh?" John asked quietly as he turned so that he could look at her.

"Ah huh."

"You want me to drive you?"

"You don't have to."

"Do. You. Want. Me. To?" he reiterated, annunciating each word.

"I guess."

"Then I will," he replied as he laid back down and reached for her. Once they were positioned so that she was lying against his chest, he continued: "are you sure you don't want to let your family know?"

Natalie sighed heavily as she shifted so slightly, "I'm not up to another confrontation right now."

"They're going to worry," he pointed out as he rubbed a hand up and down her arm.

"Do you think they'll even notice?" she wondered as she linked their hands together and stared at their hands. "And if they do, it'll be due to lack of arguments."

"It's not that bad, Natalie."

"You don't know the half of it. All Jess and I do anymore is fight. The one we had yesterday afternoon was even worse than the one you saw."

"What happened?" he asked as he tightened his embrace slightly.

"I finally called her on a couple of things. Only, it got ugly. She said something, I said something. . ."

"Like what?"

"Oh, I don't know. That at least I was smart enough not to get knocked up in high school."

"Ouch."

"Yeah, but I was pretty steamed at that point. She'd basically said that it was my fault that Chris was dead. And she more than handled herself. She told me that I was nothing than trash and would never be more. That I would never be one of them. She also went running to Kevin, of course he took her side," she answered as she looked at his chest and made circles on it with her fingers. "So did, Vickie. Considering what he must have heard, I'm kinda surprised that Clint didn't too."

"She called your father?" he asked, stilling her hand with his.

"No. He called to talk to me. I was on the phone with him when Kevin burst into my room looking for me. Kevin was yelling and. . ." she shrugged as she shifted closer to John, who stiffened.

"He didn't do something to you? Did he?" he asked.

"No. No! He just pulled the phone from my hand and yelled. That was it. I was scared because for a moment, it wasn't Kevin, you know?"

John stared at the top of her head for a moment before shifting and asking bluntly: "just how bad were things for you with Roxy as a kid?"

"John. . ." Natalie started warningly as she pulled back a bit.

"Look, I know— or at least I can guessfrom what you told me that you were neglected. What I'm asking is if there was more."

Abruptly, she slid away from him and off the bed. "I have to finish packing and find my passport," was her only response.

"Natalie, don't shut me out. If you forgot who he was for a second. . ."

"Drop it, John. I don't want to talk about it," she answered as she picked his shirt up from the floor and pulled it on.

Shaking his head, he rolled off the bed and pulled on his pants. "Fine. I'll go make us some coffee and leave you alone for a few minutes."

"John. . . I'm sorry. . . it's just. . . it's over. What happened happened. Talking about it. . . well, it's not going to change anything," she said embarrassed.

"You don't have to explain yourself to me. I just asked because I care, and because, if something did happen it seems to still be affecting you."

"Kevin startled me, that's all. I handled it. I didn't mean anything when I said it that way, except that it wasn't exactly in character for him to act that way. Don't go reading more into it than there needs to be!"

"If you say so," he responded, unconvinced.

"I do."

"Fine. Get your stuff together. I'll be back up with that coffee in a while."

"'Kay," she said softly as she watched him leave, wondering why she felt like he was walking away from her. "He's not going any where. And if he does, it'll be because you pushed him away," she condemned herself before moving to her closet to finish her packing.

* * *

Jessica stood on the stoop of her grandfather's house, waiting for the door to open. "Jessie, what's wrong? Why are you here so late?" her brother asked as he pulled open the door. 

"I didn't wake you did I?" she asked taking in his disheveled shirt and hair.

"No. I was just finishing up some paperwork. I fact, I just brought Ace down. He's fussy for some reason," he answered as he stepped back to let her in. "So why are you here?"

"I didn't know where else to go," she answered. "Kevin. . .I. . . there's something wrong with me."

"What? Are you sick?" he asked, concern evident in his voice, as he lead her into the living room.

"No. I just. . ." she shrugged as she sat down on the couch and watched her brother pick up his son, a touch of longing in her eyes as she looked at the baby. "Antonio had to cancel on me tonight. John wouldn't cover his shift."

"He can't always, Jess," Kevin said softly.

"I know that. It's just. . . John wouldn't cover because he went to see Natalie."

"Is something going on with the two of them?" Kevin asked as he kissed his son's head as he settled the infant against his shoulder.

"Truthfully, I'm not sure. I just. . . I went over there. I started saying these things. Part of me justI don't even know where half of it came from. I mean, I was annoyed when Antonio told me he couldn't come. I took it out on Nat. Acted like she was the only reason John didn't take the shift. I didn't even let it sink in at the time that he said that Renee was worried about her. No, correct that. I didn't care! I called her selfish, but. . . Kevin, what if I'm the selfish one? The jealous one?"

"Jessica, you're one of the most giving people I know except. . ."

"Except when?"

"It's just, you've been hurt by her so many times."

"You mean with Natalie?"

"Yeah. And you're not the only one. She's hard to be giving to. And jealous? Why would you be jealous of her?"

"Because she's the real Buchanan? The true daughter?" Jess suggested. "Because she made it work with Chris when I couldn't? Because she had the guts to get married when I can barely cope with being engaged?"

"Are you asking me or telling me?"

"Kevin," she sighed in exasperation.

"Fine. You are a Buchanan. The biology doesn't matter to anyone, Jess. People will forget. I mean, everyone thinks of Joe and I as Buchanans even though Clint isn't our biological father.

You're also the true daughter. Mom and Dad raised _you,_ not Natalie. You were the one who stayed with Mom. You know her better.

As for Chris. . . Jessie, first loves are. . . complicated. Yes, you two loved each other, but you weren't meant to last. And to tell you the truth, I don't think he and Natalie would've made it either."

"You don't?"

"I never said it, but I always thought that she was a replacement for you. She would've caught on sooner or later. I think she already suspected it. And if not, well, sooner or later she would have tired of supporting him."

"Chris just needed time to get some name recognition."

"Chris needed to get off his high horse and hold down a legitimate job for longer than a month," Kevin rebutted as he shifted his son to his other shoulder.

"Chris loved her."

"Maybe."

"He died saving her life. He traded himself for her!"

"G-d, Jess, this isn't some romance novel! If he had let the police do their jobs he might still be alive. I know enough to know that Natalie would have preferred that," he replied. "As for your engagement, if you're unhappy do something about it."

"I want to be with Antonio."

"Do you love him?"

"I agreed to marry him, didn't I?"

"For what reasons?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You said yourself that you were jealous of Natalie and Chris, are you sure Antonio isn't a replacement?"

"He and Chris aren't alike."

"They're brothers."

"You not only dated, but married cousins. What's that say about you?"

"We're not discussing me right now. Besides, what about Jamie? Don't you think I see how you look at Ace? Is it Antonio you or his daughter?"

"That's crazy."

"Is it?"

"It has nothing to do with Natalie and me."

Kevin sighed, "maybe Natalie's not the real problem for any of us."

"Kevin?"

"Sometimes, sometimes I think that Joe's the only one to get along with her because he's the only one who knows who he is."

"I don't understand."

"Natalie turning out to be. . . to be mom and dad's daughter has had us all questioning ourselves. You most of all."

"She changed who I am, not you."

"Of course she has, Jess. She's affected us all. I used to think I was a great big brother. That I could protect my little sister from just about anything. That I never intentionally hurt her."

"You are! You do! You don't!"

"When it comes to you. I haven't done that for Natalie. If you had been the one with Paul I would've put a stop to it. If you had been tricked into a marriage with a mad man, I would've wrung his neck. As it is, I didn't do enough to protect you from him. . ."

"Kevin, I was in a bad place, and Mitch. . . you did what you could."

"For you, not for Natalie. I've done a lot of thinking this afternoon. I haven't been there for her. I've judged her and never gave credit for the things that she's done right."

"Like what? She's a drop out. She causes problems."

"She's also a hard worker. The money she's used from her trust fund has been mainly used for other people. Like when she bought the cottage for you and Mom."

"OK, you have a point. None of us give her much credit."

"We need to change that."

"Maybe."

"Jess. . ."

"She just brings out the worse in me. I don't think around her. I regret it later. Like tonight. When I left, I knew I had been wrong, but I couldn't bring myself to admit it. It's like. . . I'm the 'good' twin, you know? That's all I have right now. I have to be the one who's right. The one who takes care of Mom. The one who's trusted. I can't let her know that she was right and I was wrong. It'll give her too much power over me. If I just let it blow over. . . wait till she admits I was right and she was wrong. . . then. . . then things will be ok for a little while."

Shaking his head, Kevin rose with a now sleeping Ace: "do you still see that counselor?" he asked as he moved to place the baby in a carrier.

"What? Where'd that come from?"

"It's been a tough couple of years, Jess, maybe you'd benefit from talking to someone who's impartial."

"I'm not going to have another breakdown, Kevin."

"I'm not saying you are. Just that you should talk to someone."

"And you're so stable?"

"Jess. . ."

"NO! You've been competing with Todd again. You even nearly destroyed your marriage by sleeping with his wife! You two are out to destroy each other and _I _should talk to someone?"

Kevin stared at her outburst: "fine, maybe I should too," he answered.

"I don't need to talk to anyone. I just thought you'd understand. I would've been better off just driving around then coming here!"

"Whoa, Jessie. I jut made a suggestion."

"I just wanted you to listen."

"Ok. I'll know for next time."

"I have to go home. Mom will be wondering where I've been and I can't exactly tell her the truth."

"I'll come by in the morning."

"You don't have to. I have it handled."

Kevin stared at her: "I would like to see Mom, you know."

"She needs her rest. Maybe the next day. I'll call you if she seems up to it," she shot back as she grabbed her things and stalked out.

"Well, that was odd," he muttered as he ran a hand through his hair and looked at his watch. "It's late. She'll probably be better in the morning," he rationalized. "And if not, I'll just have to keep an eye on her. At least that way I can take care of one of them."

Song Credit: _Child Psychology_


End file.
